


Antebellum Innocence

by writeitinred



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Historical, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, First Time, Fluff, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, they are both fifteen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-19
Updated: 2016-10-09
Packaged: 2018-08-09 20:11:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7815475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writeitinred/pseuds/writeitinred
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Why do you stare at my face so much though?” </p><p>“Do you think it’s weird?” </p><p>Oikawa pauses as if to think about it, but Iwaizumi doesn’t know if he actually wants to hear the answer. </p><p>“No, it’s not weird. I like it when you stare at me. Besides, I stare at you all the time too, but at least I’m discreet.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is for my friend Arleen who suggested this angst filled piece in the first place. The reason why there is an underage warning is because Oikawa and Iwaizumi are both 15.
> 
> There will be 2 parts to this and I'm sure when the 2nd part will be up since I am busy and won't always have time to write every day! 
> 
> If you would like to come talk to me about it, my tumblr is writeitinred.tumblr.com
> 
> Thanks again to Toast_Senpai for editing this for me even though she hates angst!

“Hurry up, Iwa! We’re going to miss the sendoff if we don’t hurry!”

Iwaizumi watches as his best friend, Oikawa, leaps and jumps over puddles and crates. His legs are already covered in scabs and bruises from this trip alone while his skin is still perfectly intact. He doesn’t bother to respond to Oikawa’s demands as he keeps his pace.

Since the announcement that the German army is going to war, thousands of Germans have lined up to volunteer. Including some of Oikawa’s relatives.

Oikawa speeds up his pace and this time Iwaizumi has to say something before he falls again.

“Slow down! You’ve fallen six times already!”

And just like that Oikawa is tripping over his own feet once more, landing on his hands and knees. Iwaizumi sighs as he catches up with his friend and wonders when he’s ever going to grow into his long limbs.

“Make that seven,” he mumbles, holding out a hand for his friend to take. The front of his knees are all scraped up and bloody now, but there’s no time to go back home for bandages before the sendoff. Oikawa will just have to manage. “Climb onto my back when you stand. Might as well make it through the last stretch without any more wounds.”

Oikawa huffs but grabs Iwaizumi’s hand anyway. When he makes sure Oikawa can actually stand without falling he turns and bends a little so his friend can jump up.

“Okay, but hurry! We’re already late as it is!” Oikawa orders.

“We could have made it by now if you would stay on your two feet!”

Oikawa stays silent but Iwaizumi knows he’s telling him off in that head of his. He’ll hear all about it when they’re alone later.

He hurries anyway because he knows how much the sendoff means to Oikawa. His relatives mean the world to him and if they miss even a second of this sendoff, he’ll never hear the end of it.

If Iwaizumi is being honest, he doesn’t understand why so many people are throwing their life away for a war that will gain Germany nothing in the end. There will be no money to come out of this situation and that’s what this nation needs. Too many people are living on the streets and it’s a miracle that either Iwaizumi or Oikawa’s family is staying afloat, but by all means, let's fight in another war.

His father volunteered for a war before he had been born, when he had just been growing in his mother’s stomach and look what that got him. A grave and a few loving words before life went on.

He wants to tell Oikawa that and he wants to shake some sense into these people, but he’s only ten and nothing he says will be taken seriously.

He wants to tell Oikawa that his cousins most likely will not come back, and that they are nothing special. They are just another number to their commanding officer.

Nothing comes out of his mouth, though. He lets Oikawa think that war is about bravery and fighting for a country that’s going to shit.

They make their way to the front of the crowd and Iwaizumi sets his friend down so they both can shove their way through the ever-growing crowd. It’s to be expected though. Germany is all about the way and any son that volunteers or is handpicked to be in the military is told that it’s an honor.

But really it’s not. People are pushed to join whether they like to or not and it’s written in some of the young faces that are lined up.

“I think I see my family! They are all stuck together in one group! Do you think they’ll stay together during the war?”

He should just be straightforward with Oikawa and say ‘no’, but at the hopeful look in his friend’s eyes all he can say is, “sure.”

The answer has Oikawa beaming and that’s all that matters.

Iwaizumi directs his attention to the faces around them. Most look proud, family shedding tears for loved ones, while others look grim and stone-faced. Those people know what these men are getting themselves into. They know how little chance they have to come back, and if they do then they might now be the same. The scars and blank stares say that clearly.

Yet Oikawa watches with enthusiasm and awe as the soldiers start to march in perfect, synchronized rows. He picks up his hand and begins to wave frantically, so fast that it might actually fall off. No one waves back, their faces set as they prepare themselves for where they are about to go.

Iwaizumi doesn’t bother to wave at them, but he does hope that each of the soldiers come back in one piece somehow.

“I can’t wait to be a part of this one day, Iwa. Can you?”

The words to chastise are on the tip of his tongue and he grits his teeth to keep them back. He shrugs because if he opens up his mouth now, nothing good will come out.

Oikawa seems satisfied with his answers, already so used to his silent ones anyway.

They go back to watching the sendoff and they don’t say another word until it’s done.

\--

A year has passed since Oikawa’s relatives left and the two of them turn thirteen.

Another year and Oikawa’s family doesn’t come back. Only one of his relatives survive and he had been stuck to tell the rest of the families what happened.

The day they are told is the day Iwaizumi is over at Oikawa’s house playing superheroes in the living room with him. The game stops when there’s frantic knocking on the front door.

They both look at the door curiously as Oikawa’s mother opens it to reveal one of the relative’s mothers. Her face is blotchy and her eyes are puffy from all the tears she has cried. There’s mascara running down her cheeks but no one points it out. Instead, Oikawa’s mother brings the lady into the kitchen where the walls do nothing to muffle her shaky sobs.

It didn’t stop there.

Only minutes after that there’s another knock on the door and another mother whose face looks identical to the first mother. Then there’s a third, a fourth, and a fifth knock and eventually Iwaizumi catches on to what has happened.

“Momma?” Oikawa asks after his mother makes sure the sobbing mothers are settled. “What’s happening?”

The sobbing grows in volume at the question.

Iwaizumi takes Oikawa by the hand and starts to tug him toward the front door. His friend struggles, even bats at his hand to get him to let go but Iwaizumi has always been stronger and he holds on with all his strength.

“I need you to tell me all about if you think aliens are going to come to this Earth.” It’s a poor excuse to use Oikawa’s love for outer space and astronomy while there’s a dire situation going on in the kitchen.

Oikawa knows it too.

“Let go of me! I need to know what’s wrong!”

Iwaizumi doesn’t let go until they are far away from Oikawa’s home. He has traveled to their favorite lake where they stay on their lazy days, except this isn’t a lazy day but it’s just as important. Oikawa doesn’t need to find out that his relatives didn’t make it back alive with all those sobbing mothers. They need their time to grieve together, but Oikawa has never expressed emotions the way he should at times.

He’ll hold it in and keep holding it in until he eventually explodes.

Iwaizumi doesn’t want that.

His friend yanks his hand back with Iwaizumi loosens his grip, and there are a few awkward seconds that Iwaizumi isn’t sure if Oikawa is going to make a mad dash towards his house.

The wind picks up slightly and it brings a slight chill with it, a sign that fall is just around the corner.

“Why did you do that for?” Oikawa snaps. “I should go back home and be with my family!”

“Oikawa.” The word is not a demand, but a plea. A plea for him to stay and for him to believe that his relatives are alive for just a few more minutes.

But Oikawa has never been that stupid and that plea is more than enough to tell his friend what he needs to know. His face begins to crumble and Iwaizumi is near Oikawa in a heartbeat.

“They’re dead, aren’t they? My relatives are all dead.” Oikawa’s voice is deathly quiet and Iwaizumi has to strain to hear him, but when he figures it out he doesn’t say a word. There’s nothing he can say as he watches his friend break. All he can do is catch him when he falls.

Iwaizumi didn’t even know his father when he died so he doesn’t remember much about him except for the stories his mother tells him late at night. He doesn’t know the sting of death and how much it can hurt, but seeing Oikawa struggling to keep everything gives him a slight idea.

Oikawa doesn’t cry as Iwaizumi gathers him in his arms but he can feel his body shakes.

“You can cry, you know.”

“I don’t want to cry.”

“I know,” Iwaizumi whispers into Oikawa’s hair, holding him to his chest. “But I’m here if you do.”

Iwaizumi hears a tiny sniffle only a few seconds after and all he can do is press his friend closer to his body. Oikawa clings to him as his knees begin to wobble.

“I thought the war was supposed to protect them,” Iwaizumi’s heart tightens at Oikawa’s wet voice. “It was supposed to be all right. That’s what everyone promised them.”

Iwaizumi continues to say silent. _This_ is why he doesn’t like the war. It can hurt people in the worst ways possible. People say that soldiers don’t always leave physical marks when people come home, but it’s the same for families as well. The mental scars are much worse and much more visible to a person than the scars on their skin.

“Iwa, say something.”

Iwaizumi doesn’t know what to say. He’s never been good with consoling people and he doubts it’s going to change now.

“War doesn’t always guarantee safety, Oikawa. It sucks and it’s not fair for any family going through what your family is going through but it ends up that way from time to time. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.”

Now it’s Oikawa’s turn to stay silent but Iwaizumi can feel the sharp dig of his fingernails through the fabric of his shirt.

“If we’re ever forced to go to war will you promise to protect me? I’ll try my best to protect you as well.”

Iwaizumi knows it’s wishful thinking that they’ll be put on the same squad, but the thought of being separated from his friend has panic rearing its ugly head.

“I promise. I will never let you out of my sight, and I will protect you until my last breath.”

Iwaizumi holds him until the sun begins to set and even then Iwaizumi holds Oikawa’s hand until they reach his friend’s home.

“Thank you for today, Iwa. I always know I can count on you.”

When Oikawa smiles there is no trace of the crying boy he saw only an hour ago. His face lights up with that tremendous smile and Iwaizumi realizes he wants that smile to stay on his face. He doesn’t want him to cry or frown, and maybe it’ll be impossible but he sure as hell wants to try his best to keep it there.

“Anytime.”

Iwaizumi watches Oikawa walk up to his door, his hand curling around the door knob but he’s hesitating and he waits for whatever words his friend wants to say.

“Thanks for promising to protect me” And then he’s gone and Iwaizumi is left with his thoughts. It’s an enormous promise to fulfill, but he meant every word he said. If they somehow end up in a war together and in the same squad, he’ll do anything and everything to protect his friend. If it means Oikawa will continue to smile, then he’ll do it.

He might despise the war, but Oikawa is his friend and he’ll put his hate away for that.

-

Two years later and Oikawa and Iwaizumi are now fifteen, but that doesn’t mean Oikawa’s love for astronomy and outer space has faded any less.

Now that it is summer they come out to the lake almost every night to look up at the stars, and while they are exceptionally bright tonight, that’s about the only thing Iwaizumi has noticed. He might have even skipped looking at the stars to go straight to looking at Oikawa.

In fact, he has never been interested in astronomy or aliens, but he knows that his best friend is so he tags along because he wants to see that smile light up Oikawa’s face every time something amazing happens in the sky.

Iwaizumi doesn’t know exactly when he started to fall for his best friend or when his face started to become so interesting to him. Maybe it always has and maybe he has always been falling for Oikawa.

“You know it’s not hard to notice that you’ve been staring at me this whole time.” Oikawa turns to look at him, and for a split second Iwaizumi thinks that look in his eyes will be disgust. Except when those chocolate brown eyes turn on him fully, there’s nothing but humor and laughter in them. Plus, a smile is still hanging from his lips.

“How long have you known?” He’s not going to try and deny it, even though that is what his mind is screaming at him to do.

“Ever since the first time we sat down and actually watched the stars. Thought you lost interest in the first few minutes and proceeded to stare at my face. Not that I blame you or anything.”

Iwaizumi reaches over to smack Oikawa in the back of the head. Somehow in the two years of growing up, his friend has become egotistical. Some days he’s used to it, but when his nerves are eating at him it’s hard to not let the irritation flicker. 

“Why do you stare at my face so much though?”

“Do you think it’s weird?”

Oikawa pauses as if to think about it, but Iwaizumi doesn’t know if he actually wants to hear the answer.

“No, it’s not weird. I like it when you stare at me. Besides, I stare at you all the time too, but at least I’m discreet.”

Iwaizumi blinks and he doesn’t say anything back. He doesn’t think he _can_ answer back because that’s definitely not the answer he expected. Maybe he thought Oikawa would think it’s weird and just leave because that’s what he’s still expecting his friend to do. After all, men getting close to each other is frowned upon in Germany and people living here are not afraid to call it out.

But sitting here next to Oikawa, letting his eyes roam over his face doesn’t _feel_ wrong. It feels right actually and Iwaizumi isn’t one to ignore his own instinct.

“Why would you want to stare at me?”

“The same question applies to you. You know the consequences just for staring too long.”

Iwaizumi shrugs. He’s never actually thought about _why_ he likes to stare at Oikawa, he just does. He likes the way Oikawa looks when he smiles or the way the light shines on his face just right and he looks—well he looks amazing.

That’s the only way he can put it.

“You’re beautiful.” The words are out of his mouth before he can stop them. Oikawa freezes and Iwaizumi wishes he can take those two words back. Not because he doesn’t mean them but because of the way his friend is sitting perfectly still.

“Oikawa, I’m sorry, I d-”

“No, Iwa,” Oikawa interrupts. “I’m not disgusted or angry at your words. It’s just no one has ever called me beautiful before. Not even my own parents. It’s just weird to hear someone say that I guess.”

“I’ll say it as many times as you need me to.”

“Then will you say it again?”

It’s then that when Oikawa gives him a sheepish smile that Iwaizumi wants to kiss him. It’s not the first time he has imagined how Oikawa’s lips would feel against his, but he has always restrained himself.

The urges have always happened in public where the consequences of his actions would have severe backlash, but now they’re here in their favorite spot where it’s secluded. No one is around to yell at them that what they’re doing is an abomination. Now the moment is right.

Iwaizumi turns to look at Oikawa, reaching a hand out to cup his cheeks. His friend doesn’t flinch from his touch, doesn’t try to stop him as he leans in, his lips only a few inches from his.

“You’re beautiful,” he whispers, before kissing Oikawa. It’s weird, but not in a bad way. It’s weird in the way that he feels no sparks when kissing his friend, but he does feel something. His mother says that when he meets the right person, there’ll be sparks or at least you’ll feel at home and he does.

He feels at home with Oikawa, but the sparks aren’t there.

Except, he feels like he’s burning. He feels like his veins are on fire as he moves his lips against his friend’s. Maybe he should be afraid of getting burned, but if he does it doesn’t matter. He just doesn’t want this moment to end.

Yet he knows it has to because he has to be back home soon and so does Oikawa. He pulls back but he doesn’t take his hand away, but he also doesn’t look at his friend.

“Iwaizumi, I’m not mad at you.” The laughter in Oikawa’s voice makes his eyes snap up to meet his, and he wonders why he ever looked away in the first place. Oikawa’s cheeks are flushed and his mouth is starting to redden. It’s a striking sight to see. “In fact, I want you to kiss me again.”

Iwaizumi doesn’t have to be told twice. He kisses his friend—boyfriend? —again, letting himself get lost in those kisses until it really is time to leave

“Can we do the kissing stuff again?” Oikawa asks them as they make to leave the lake. Iwaizumi reaches out for his hands, giving it a quick squeeze before letting go. It’s not much of an answer, but Oikawa’s knowing smile makes Iwaizumi think that he might be brighter than the stars and moon combined.

\--

They manage to keep their relationship a secret, though Iwaizumi doesn’t think that they have to with all the growing tension streaming all throughout Germany.

The war, as well as Germany’s relationship with surrounding countries and cities, is going downhill. It is rumored that they’re running on thin ice with Britain and France and one wrong move is the only green light for war at the moment.

Iwaizumi prays, _prays_ , that no one makes any mistakes because war is the last thing Germany needs right now. It’s the last thing Oikawa needs right now. He’s still not over his family’s death and Iwaizumi knows that it’s going to take more than a couple weeks to get over it.

However, Iwaizumi knows that his prayers will go unanswered. Everybody is too tense and there will be no stopping the inevitable and all he can do is hope that whenever someone makes a move, it’ll be years ahead.

“It doesn’t look good for anybody,” Oikawa points out, his lips curled around the edge of his mug of hot chocolate. The fall season has turned into bitter winter and instead of going to their favorite spot, they’ve settled for sitting in front of Iwaizumi’s fireplace after school is out.

“You’re not wrong.”

Oikawa gasp is loud against the silence of his home. His mother and the rest of his family is out working, trying to fight for whatever money is left out in the workforce. While their family is far from starving, food is slowly going scare and Iwaizumi doesn’t know how much longer their pantry will be stocked.

“Wow, you’re actually admitting I’m right for once? Miracles do happen.”

Iwaizumi has no problem smacking his boyfriend in the back of the head and then proceeding to kiss the pout on his lips away. There’s something off about the kiss though and it makes him pull away to look at his friend.

For all the trouble Oikawa goes through to hide his emotions, he doesn’t always do the best job. Especially when something is really eating at him.

“What’s wrong?”

Oikawa immediately perks up and opens up his mouth, a lie already forming on his lips. It’s plain as day to see.

“Don’t _lie_ to me, Oikawa.”

His smile falls and even though he’s pressed up against Iwaizumi’s side, it feels like he’s a thousand miles away from him at the moment. It sends a streak of panic through him, but he tries to remain calm as he waits for Oikawa to talk.

“My family is leaving this country. I didn’t even know about it until last night, but there’s no more food in our pantry and there’s no way we can buy more with the money that’s barely coming in. I don’t know where we’re going, but I know that we’re leaving tonight.”

Iwaizumi doesn’t know if he heard Oikawa right.

“I’m sorry,” he laughs, the end a little high pitched. Hysteric. “Maybe I didn’t hear you correctly, did you say that you are leaving?”

“We’re barely surviving as it is, Iwa, and you know that my family is too proud to ask other people for money or food. So, we’re leaving and hoping to find somewhere better to live.”

The words are like knives in his chest and he doesn’t think he can breathe through the pain. He makes to stand up but Oikawa grabs for his wrist, tight enough to make him stay in place but Iwaizumi needs his space.

He rips his wrist out of that tight grip and stalks over to the other side of the room. Oikawa’s leaving. His _lover_ is leaving him, leaving his country, to start over.

 _Without you_.

His words hit him worse than Oikawa’s did and he feels the air being sucked out of his lungs, and the room looks like it’s spinning and—

_He’s leaving. Without you._

“I was never in your future, was I?” The words are soft and quiet, but to Oikawa they might as well have gone off like a shotgun from the way he flinched.

“Iwa—”

“Did you even think of me when you agreed to leave?”

“Now that’s not fair,” Oikawa snaps, making to stand as well. “I had no choice in the matter.”

“You always have a choice!” Iwaizumi shouts, his whole world feeling like it might shatter at any moment. He bites back the sting of tears because crying now won’t make any difference. They won’t make Oikawa stay, not when he knows that the other male has made up his mind. “You have a choice to stay or to leave, to defend this country, and fight with the people that are in it but it seems that you have chosen the opposite.”

Oikawa stalks toward him, the anger and frustration in those eyes flashing with every step but Iwaizumi refuses to back down. They are standing so close, their chests bumping together with every harsh breath.

“So what if I am? So what if I’m worried that I might lose my parents in this idiotic country? Is it so bad to want them to live, to make them happy? You have no right to judge me. Absolutely _no_ right.”

They are both so close, their mouths so close together that Iwaizumi doesn’t know where his breath began and where Oikawa’s ends. They are so close and his heart is aching and breaking and—

He smashes his lips against Oikawa’s, hands coming up to grip the back of his head. He backs them up until his friend’s back hits a wall and everything is a blur from there. It’s a flash of tongue and teeth, hands moving at a fast pace to touch everywhere they could but Iwaizumi doesn’t want this to be fast.  In fact, he _needs_ this to be slow so he slides his hands down the back of Oikawa’s thighs, lifting him up enough where the other male can wrap his legs around his waist.

He guides them both to his bed, grateful for the fact that he’s an only child and that his parents have a separate bedroom. What they are about to do puts a great risk on both of them but as Iwaizumi lies Oikawa on the bed, pulling back to look at him fully, he sees those chocolate brown eyes peeking up at him through hooded lids; lips flushed red from rough kisses, that pretty mouth parted as if in a silent plea, and he realizes that he’s okay with those risks. As long as Oikawa stays by his side in this moment, he’ll be okay.

“I need you,” Oikawa says in the silence in the room.

“And _I_ need you,” he whispers as he slides against Oikawa’s body, feeling that strong body arch up against his. And when those arms wrap around his neck and his lips find his again, Iwaizumi seems to move on autopilot.

He undresses Oikawa slowly, kissing every inch of bare skin that he can. He memorizes the taste, every dip and hollow of Oikawa’s body. He wants to sear this moment into his memory, wants to remember every gasp and moan and giggle that pass between those beautiful lips. He wants this memory to be what warms his bed at night when his thoughts turn cold and lonely, and most importantly he doesn’t want this to be a memory.

Time moves faster than Iwaizumi wants it to. It moves in a blur of limbs and winds down with every moan and shout of pleasure and Iwaizumi tries to ignore the sound of the clock in his room, the quiet tick-tock reminding him that his time is almost up. He tries his best to ignore everything as he holds Oikawa’s hips down as he works his fingers into him.

He should finish this before his mother and family get home but that small sense of panic doesn’t make his fingers move any faster.

“Iwa, _please_ ,” Oikawa’s voice quakes and his cock twitches in response. He doesn’t think he has ever been this hard in his life and he knows that he’s leaking all over his sheets, but he can’t find it in himself to care. He’ll take care of it later.

Right now all he can think of is how tight Oikawa is, how it feels like he’s suffocating— _drowning_ —in the heat. He stills once he’s fully seated inside, breathing deep to focus on not ending too early. He focuses instead on Oikawa’s face, watching those gorgeous brown eyes search his; focuses on the flush of his cheeks and the sweat that’s beading his forehead.

“You’re beautiful,” he murmurs, rolling his hips back before pushing in slowly. He doesn’t switch from that pace, wanting to drag out every minute, every _second_ of their time together before this warm heat leaves him for good.

Every press of his lips to Oikawa’s skin is like a whispered prayer that he knows will fall on deaf ears.

“Iwa,” Oikawa moans, head thrown back as he angles himself just right. He won’t forget this. Never will he forget what this moment feels like because it feels like he’s being ripped apart in two just to be put back together again. “I’m so close.”

He is too and he has been dreading this moment, when it will all end—and Iwaizumi kisses Oikawa. He kisses him until his lungs beg and burn for air, but he doesn’t stop because if he looks at the clock that is still eating away time he’ll beg Oikawa to stay. He’ll get on his hands and knees and beg for his friend, his lover, to stay with him.

He reaches in between their bodies anyway to wrap a hand around Oikawa’s straining cock, his mouth muffling the cry that slips from his lover’s mouth.

“I love you,” Oikawa cries. “I love you so much.”

 _I love you too_ , the words are at the tip of his tongue and he almost says them—his mouth burns with the need to say them because if he doesn’t say them now then he might never be able to again.

Nothing comes out.

He can’t say them because if he does then he’ll choke on them. He’ll choke on all the words he wants to say because there are just too many things that need to be spoken, but nothing comes out. So he stays silent.

His mother once told him, “No words need to be said what’s spoken in silence.”

And that’s what he tries to do now. He tries to convey every ounce of emotion he can with every thrust that drives them both closer to release. He doesn’t say anything but he hopes that Oikawa will know how far his love runs anyway.

Oikawa clamps down around his cock as he arches from the bed, his release hot against Iwaizumi’s hand. He follows soon after and they stay there, neither of them saying anything as they catch their breath.

He pulls out but continues to hover over top his lover.

“I—” Oikawa stops, his mouth opening and closing several times before he finally settles his hands against Iwaizumi’s chest, a silent demand for him to move. “I need to go.”

And all too fast Oikawa is dressed and sitting on the edge of his bed.

“I’ll write to you every day. Will you write back?”

“How am I supposed to know where you’ll be if you move around every day?” His voice is cold, bitter. He doesn’t want to be but he can feel the cold of the winter air creeping into him, slowly but surely.

“Right.”

And just like Oikawa is gone and all too quickly his bed is empty.

His heart feels like it just might break into a million tiny pieces.

\--

 _Dear Iwaizumi_ ,

_I’m not quite sure where we are, but things are definitely getting better. It’s cold and I miss you._

_Your friend,_

_Oikawa_

\--

_Dear Iwaizumi,_

_I’ve written to you numerous times, but I understand if you don’t want to reply. I…don’t exactly like how we left off either, but please talk to me._

_I miss you and I miss all the amazing times we had together._

_Can’t we have that again?_

_Your friend,_

_Oikawa_

\--

_Dear Iwaizumi,_

_We made it to Great Britain and they have welcomed all the immigrants with open arms so far. Some people are throwing a fit which is to be expected, but that doesn’t mean the insults sting any less._

_I wish you were here so that you could just glare at them and they would all scamper off because they don’t want to face you._

_I miss you so much and I wish that I could come back to you. Sometimes you’re all I think about at night when I can’t sleep, and even when I do you plague my mind._

_Do you still think of me too?_

_Please respond,_

_Oikawa_

\--

_Dear Iwaizumi,_

_This is probably the hundredth letter I’ve written to you but I want to let you know that I’m making friends over here, but none of them will ever measure up to you._

_None of them are you and I’m reminded of the fact every time I wish you were here. I wish you were here to beat them all in arm wrestling matches and any other sport they challenge you with._

_They don’t believe me when I tell them about how amazing you are._

_Please respond to me, Iwa._

_I need you._

_Oikawa_

\--

_Dear Iwaizumi,_

_This is the last letter I will ever write to you._

_I still love you and I always will, even if you’ve stopped._

_Goodbye,_

_Oikawa_

\--

Iwaizumi’s heart does, in fact, break into a million little pieces as he reads the letter over and over, the fire crackling and ready to eat up the letter in his hand.

He falls to his knees as he throws it into the fire, watching as the flames greedily rip the paper apart.

_I still love you and I always will._

“I’ve never stopped loving you,” he whispers into the quiet of the night and just like the fire eating at his letter, he lets the ice that has been growing in his veins ever since Oikawa left eat at his broken heart.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there you have it folks! This is all done and I'm really sorry it took me so long but I got really busy and I couldn't finish this when I wanted to!
> 
> I hope everyone enjoys this as much as I enjoyed writing this!

Three years have passed and Iwaizumi, now eighteen and starting his first year of college, hasn’t forgotten about his friend for single day; three years have passed and he still looks for the mail that he knows will never come.

Three years have passed when the news of war finally hits.

He’s in his economics class, his teacher is late as usual, when he overhears Daichi talking to his extremely close friend, Sugawara. The man likes to think he’s subtle when he whispers, but the whole class will be able to hear him by the time the conversation has ended.

“Arch Duke Ferdinand was assassinated last night,” his voice is laced with anxiousness. “This could mean war.”

There’s no ‘could’ about it. Once Austria starts crying outrage, Germany will have no choice but to jump in. It’s only a matter of time before military personnel start showing up to classes to recruit people. Hell, Iwaizumi’s surprised no one has shown up already.

“Are you sure this news is correct?”  Iwaizumi would normally applaud someone for wanting to check the facts, but this time he has the urge to roll his eyes. He only has to look around him to know that the news is indeed correct.

Soldiers are roaming the streets in packs, clearly agitated and anxious. It’s making the public nervous, but the soldiers clearly don’t care.

“I overheard some soldiers talking about it this morning when I was buying breakfast, and that’s why they’re so on edge. They’re waiting for the signal to jump in the war.”

“Daichi’s not wrong.”

Everyone’s heads turn towards the door where their professor strolls in as casually as he can with two soldiers following him. That’s why Iwaizumi likes him because even when he’s faced with pressure, he’s always calm with a cigarette hanging between his lips.

“Professor Ukai,” they all say in greeting. “Good morning.”

He raises his own hand in greeting and leans against his desk, letting the two soldiers slip in front of him.

“I’m sure you all have heard the news of Arch Duke’s Ferdinand’s assassination.” The one that speaks has a low voice, and the look in his eyes tells Iwaizumi he has seen more than his fair share of death. “Our military doesn’t have the numbers it needs to fight in the war and if we go in like we are now, we will lose. Military is a young man’s game and we need all the able bodies that we can get, so who’s ready to join?”

Silence. That’s all the soldiers are met with but Iwaizumi has to give them credit with how patient they are. They don’t even bat an eye at all the students who are looking at their neighbors, questions clearly passing through their gazes.

_Should we do it?_

That’s the question that doesn’t have to be asked out loud.

_Should we risk our lives for a country that hasn’t done anything for us? Should we risk our lives—_

_“If we’re ever forced to go to war will you promise to protect me? I’ll try my best to protect you as well.”_

The memory hits him so hard that he physically jerks.

Oikawa’s not here. He doesn’t have anyone to protect anymore except his mother and family, but that’s not enough. That’s not enough for him to raise his hand and volunteer to sacrifice his life.

_“I promise. I will never let you out of my sight, and I will protect you until my last breath.”_

He’s _gone_.

He’s gone but that doesn’t mean he’s gone from this life. Oikawa is still out there, still living— _breathing_ —and there might be a chance to see him again. Even if they are on the battlefield as enemies, at least he’ll still be able to see the face he has missed for the past three years.

“I’ll do it.”

He can feel everyone’s eyes turn to look at him as he makes to stand. He ignores all of them as he walks towards the middle of the room, meeting the soldier face to face. This up close and personal Iwaizumi can see how hardened the soldiers are, and it almost seems as if there’s no life glinting in them. How much death did they see to be able to look this way?

Is this what he’s going to look like after the war? Is saving people’s lives worth looking like he has no more will to live?

His mind flashes to Oikawa again and he forces the memories back even though they threaten to pop up once more.

“I’ll do it too,” he hears Daichi say and Suga hisses at him to sit down, but he’s already on his way down the stairs. It’s not long before Suga is following Daichi, and it’s not long before the rest of the males follow him. Even some of the women follow too.

“You all know the risks, then?” the soldier asks, looking over the mass of bodies in front of him.

“Yes, sir,” they say in unison.

“Then welcome to the army. Your country thanks you.”

\--

Training is hell—there’s no other way to describe it other than that. They awake at dawn every day to run laps around the camp until they puke and they get ten minutes for breakfast, followed by weapons training and strategy training. Their commanders say that they need to know everything about their enemies, but knowledge doesn’t guarantee their safety.

Weapons training is Iwaizumi’s favorite time of the day, mostly because he can lose himself and silence his brain. He doesn’t have to think about the fact that Oikawa could be fighting for Britain and that he might have to face him on the battlefield, and it stops him from thinking about the fact that his mother is barely hanging onto life back at home. The stress of working had been too much for her over the years and finally she just collapsed.

Iwaizumi left her with what he hopes is enough funds to last her for the length of the war, but he’s still waiting for the letter of her passing.

He makes friends with Daichi and Suga, and they all encourage each other when things get rough. Both of them are actually pretty smart, two people he would gladly trust protecting his back in battle. He hopes it’s the same for them.

It’s not long before their commanding officers announce that they will be leaving for their destination the next day. They won’t tell them where they are going, but something tells him they’re going right in the middle of the shit storm.

“It’d be nice if they told us where they were taking us,” Daichi grumbles as he falls onto his bed. It’s not really a bed considering a rock would be more comfortable, but it’s a place to sleep nonetheless. “That way we could all be at least a little mentally prepared.”

“I don’t think we can be mentally prepared for war, Daichi,” Sugawara scolds, sitting right next to Daichi’s feet.

“Well, no, but they should still at least tell us. I’d like to know if I have to duck and weave for any bullets right away.”

“In any case, it’s our last night at camp before we set off. Make sure to say your prayers that we all come out of this alive.”

Iwaizumi doesn’t have the heart to tell Suga that he stopped believing in any higher power years ago, probably once Oikawa left. No higher being would let innocent people die every day. That’s just not right, so he stopped believing and he stopped praying for anything good to happen. But he prays anyway that night just for Suga.

They are off before the sun even reaches the horizon.

\--

They did, in fact, have to duck and weave for bullets as soon as they arrived. They were instructed to start helping dig a trench the moment they got there, and the bullets that were flying were caused by Germans and Brits both. How are they supposed to dig a trench in these conditions? It’s the middle of December and the ground is almost frozen. It’s nearly impossible, but help they did.

Part of the trench had already been dug by the time they got there, but there’s still a lot to go. It needs to be big enough to fit their whole army, and it looks to be half that size right now.

Iwaizumi doesn’t remember much of the dig since he had to shovel and then grab his gun and shoot. He tried not to focus on his teammates, knowing that they could protect themselves just as well as he could. He needs to focus on digging and not dying. Even when a teammate is killed right in front of him, he has to keep digging; even when the memory haunts him day in and day out he has to keep going.

That’s what his commanding officer keeps screaming at them all, and eventually when the days and night pass in a blur he becomes numb. He becomes a version of himself he doesn’t recognize.

When a brother dies, it hurts—it hurts so much but there’s nothing he can do about it. He can’t bring them back no matter how much he wants to. He tries to save their dog tags at least so he can bring them back to their families. It’s the least he can do after not protecting them.

That’s a new thing too. Blaming himself. Though he guesses it’s not that new since he blamed himself every day after Oikawa stopped writing him letters, but this guilt is much worse. It keeps him up at night and he has to force himself to eat in between the bullets flying and mustard gas being thrown.

Everyone is getting tired and some are even too tired to function. The bullets come non-stop and Iwaizumi is pretty sure that he is becoming deaf in one ear. That’s to be expected, though.

Christmas is quickly approaching. The only reason any of them know that is because some of the soldiers keep calendars in their pockets and announce how many days until Christmas in the morning. But what’s the use? None of them get to go home to see family, the war will still be going on by then. They’ll all still be fighting and no one will catch a break long enough to wish anyone ‘happy holidays’.

He goes along with it because it gives the younger soldiers hope and he doesn’t want to see that die. He needs someone to be more than alive by the time this war is done.

The fighting continues and it continues and it continues until Christmas day arrives, but the strangest thing happens. It’s silent. There are no bullets flying and no yelling can be heard. It’s nerve racking. It’s not until he sees one of his younger brothers holding up a white flag over the trench does he understand.

He can hear one of his other teammates yelling at him and he comes over to clap the man on the shoulder.

“What are you doing?” Iwaizumi asks, his voice dull and lifeless. Even his voice has changed since the beginning of the war.

“It’s Christmas,” the soldier explains. If he recalls correctly the soldiers name is Kenma, someone who was coerced into fighting in this war by his friend Kuroo. “We shouldn’t be fighting on Christmas. If we could all be civil on this one day, then I think it would do everyone a world of good.”

It’s naïve thinking; idiotic thinking actually, but Kenma looks so determined that Iwaizumi tells the other soldier to tell everyone else to find whatever white cloth they can and tie it to the weapons. If everyone can stop fighting for even a day, then maybe they can all get some well-deserved rest.

“Thank you, sir,” Kenma says quietly, and Iwaizumi doesn’t respond. He focuses on crawling out of the hole, watching as someone from Great Britain’s side does the same.

“What’s this?” the male asks as they get closer. “You can’t possibly be tired of fighting already.”

Iwaizumi stays silent as he inspects the person in front of him. He looks just how Iwaizumi feels, the war is obviously getting to them both. The man doesn’t look much older than him, but that’s not what bugs him. He looks familiar and Iwaizumi can’t figure it out. He would never have met him, so why is his brain throwing up its own flags?

“It’s Christmas,” he says it like the man should automatically know what he means. “I know we’re supposed to be fighting, but the younger soldiers want to have one day where it’s peaceful and nobody dies. Do you think we can do that?”

The man seems to think about it, tilting his head to the side in consideration as he looks Iwaizumi up and down. It makes him knee the male right in the groin.

“All right, let’s call a temporary truce, but once the day is completely over and morning hits the truce is over. Deal?”

The male holds his hand out and Iwaizumi reluctantly takes it.

“Deal.”

Iwaizumi turns and waves at his men to come out of the trench, the other man doing the same with his men. Soon both Germans and Brits are intermingling and all their weapons have been left behind.

“Cigarette? It’s my last one so we’ll have to share it,” the man asks, holding one out to him and Iwaizumi gladly takes it. He puts it between his lips, cupping his hand around the stick so that the man could hit the end with his lighter.

His world seems to calm a little with the smoke that fills his lungs. He’s still somewhat on edge of course, but they had only stopped fighting five minutes ago, but the man standing before him doesn’t seem too bad, if not a tad cocky.

“What’s your name?” Iwaizumi asks, handing the burning stick over. He watches the male’s hand shake enough to almost drop it, and he wonders how many of his brothers he has seen die before him. He wonders how many nightmares he’ll have once this is all over. Will it be the same amount as him? Probably.

“Let’s skip the formalities.” He attempts a smile but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes, and Iwaizumi finds that he wants to know who this kid had been before the war. He wants to know if that smile has ever reached those light brown eyes. “We’ll be shooting at each other again in less than a day, so let’s just celebrate Christmas and pretend this war doesn’t even exist.”

Iwaizumi wonders if his voice would be more cheerful is they met under different circumstances. He wants to know that too.

“Right.”

And that’s where they leave the conversation in favor of savoring the last of their cigarette. They are both going to go through some major withdrawal symptoms after this. Somehow, that comforts Iwaizumi.

They spend the rest of the day talking amongst themselves, both learning about the different sides of their culture.

“You know, when I lived—” And that’s where the man stops. He seems to be frozen, like what he was about to say has paralyzed him.

“Are you alright?”

“Hm? Oh, yeah! Just some old memories that don’t need to be shared.”

Iwaizumi doesn’t press the issue. He doesn’t think he’ll get much out of it if he did anyway. Some things are better left unsaid. Soon the cigarette is gone and the two of them join the mixed group of soldiers.

“Hey, hey, hey, Oikawa! Didn’t you live in Germany? Maybe you have something to add to our little discussion?”

Iwaizumi freezes at the name, eyes snapping up to look over the male he had just been talking to. There’s no way this could be _his_ Oikawa. He looks so…different. He doesn’t look anything like his friend. Then again, a lot has changed between them in three years that it would be easy to forget how Oikawa looks.

“What about you, Iwaizumi? Do you have anything to add?”

Oikawa’s eyes lock with his and it’s like the world clicks into place.

“No, I’m pretty sure you guys have it all covered,” Iwaizumi says.

Iwaizumi lets them talk without joining in on the conversation. He can’t help but look over at Oikawa from time to time, wondering just what’s going on in his head. Should he talk to him? But what is there to say? ‘Oh, hey, Oikawa, thanks for walking away three years ago but you look well.’ That would go over great.

He should at least talk to him; should tell him why he never responded to his letters. He knows he should but he can’t get himself to move. Turns out that Oikawa has more nerve than him because he ends up getting up and walking until he’s sitting down next him. He has always been bolder than him anyway.

“So,” Oikawa starts.

“So.”

“I guess I got my wish after all, even if we’re on the opposite team. You look…different. I didn’t recognize you.”

Iwaizumi shrugs. “Yeah, well, I can say the same for you.”

An awkward silence falls over them, both of them trying to find the correct words to say. It’s difficult. He has never been good with words, with emotions. That’s part of the reason he never responded. He didn’t know what to say but he knew he would have leaned too heavily on his anger and frustration.

“I miss you, Iwa.”

Iwaizumi closes his eyes at the nickname. So many memories that one nickname can produce it’s ridiculous, but it’s been a while since he’s heard it. Sure, his comrades call him that from time to time, but it has never been the same as when Oikawa says it.

“Miss?” He doesn’t fail to hear the present tense of the word.

“I’ve never stopped missing you. Even when I stopped writing you, you were all I could think about. I still continued to dream of you, and I thought joining the military would make the thoughts stop. It didn’t. Just added more dreams than I really needed.”

Iwaizumi takes a shaky breath, in desperate need for another cigarette to calm his nerves. He wants to say something back, something just as meaningful. He wants to kiss Oikawa. That’s exactly what he wants to do right now and it’s the only way to convey what he means because the only thing that will come out of his mouth now is a jumbled mess.

“Did you miss me at all?”

“Of course I did,” Iwaizumi snaps, his voice a little too loud. He can feel the eyes of his team on him, trying to figure out the situation. “It’s the reason I joined in this mess anyway. I thought that if I joined then maybe I’d be able to see you again. It was a one in a million chance but I knew I had to take it.”

“Then why didn’t you respond to my letters?” The crack in his voice make Iwaizumi’s own heart hurt. How much pain did he cause?

“I…couldn’t. It was hard for me, Oikawa. I was bitter and angry. If I wrote back all of those emotions would have leaked into the words and I didn’t want to do that to you. I wanted you with me where I could kiss you and hold you but you were too far away to do that and I was pissed off.”

His voice is low, too low for the others to hear anything. They already know something is going on, he doesn’t need them to know the specifics.

“I wanted to come back. I begged and begged my parents to let me go back, but they always said no. I never even wanted to leave and I cried myself to sleep every night.”

The confession strikes him quick and deep. “Your letters made it sound like you were having and good time—”

“And you believed me? I thought you knew better than that.”

“How was I supposed to know? They are _letters_ , Oikawa. How was I supposed to know how much suffering you were going through when I was drowning in my own sorrows?”

The silence falls back over them like a bed sheet. He wants to punch something. The pain in his knuckles would be better than the pain this conversation is bringing to the both of them. Getting shot would be better than this right now.

“How’s your mother?”

Iwaizumi swallows, trying to keep his anger at bay. “Sick. She fell ill a few months after you left.”

He sees Oikawa flinch out of the corner of his eye. It’s a full body flinch and there are more eyes on them now. It won’t be long before they put the pieces together.

“How are your parents?”

“Better off than your mother.”

This is insufferable. He has held onto his anger for so long that now he’s just exhausted.

“Look Oi, I don’t want to be pissed off about this all the time.” He leans in until his lips are close to Oikawa’s ear. “I want you. I’ve _always_ wanted you.”

He pulls back, trying to contain his smile when he hears Oikawa’s sharp intake of breath. They are the center of their teams’ attention now, their eyes focused on their every move.

“Um…did you two know each other or something?”

Oikawa flicks a look over at him, a small smile on his lips as he answers them. “No. I just learned how to speak German while you guys were too busy chasing girls around.”

Oikawa’s team murmurs their agreement. After that it settles into easy talk and it’s so amazing to see everyone laughing again. There are no tears, no screaming, and no bullets flying past their heads. It’s a little disheartening when the sun finally begins to set and they all have to get up.

Friendships were made tonight, but it won’t matter tomorrow. It’ll be back to war.

He stands in front of his friend, the words he wants to say stuck in his throat. He holds out a hand for Oikawa to take, feeling the fire of what they once had starting to kindle again.

“I wanted to write back,” his voice comes out raspy and broken. “I wanted to write back every day, and I’m sorry that I was so pissed off that I never told you how I really felt.”

Oikawa takes his hand, holding on tight. “Well, you have the opportunity now.”

He can hear their teammates calling out to them, telling them that it’s time to go back to being enemies.

“I—Listen, if we get out of here alive and finish this war unscathed, come and find me and I will tell you all that I wanted to write to you. I’ll be in our favorite spot.”

“I will. I’ll be there.”

Iwaizumi squeezes Oikawa’s hand one last time, hoping to himself that those words will still ring true at the end of this mess.

\--

The battle ends in a bloody mess, too much blood spilled in the middle of the grounds. Too many times people on both sides tried to get to the other and ended up being a too easy target. It’s not fair the amount of bodies Iwaizumi had to check for dog tags for after the war ends, but he can’t help the bubble of job that he feels when he spots Oikawa doing the same for his men.

“You can’t go over there,” a voice behind him says. It’s Daichi, being the sensible one as ever.

“Why not?”

“Our truce is over, Iwaizumi. Those few hours of peace are over and if you go over there now, that’ll be treason.”

“That’s ridiculous.”

But Iwaizumi knows Daichi is right. Any conversation with the other side will be seen as an act of treason to the other soldiers’ eyes.

“It might be, but let’s just focus on getting all these dog tags and then we can all go home.”

He says it like it’ll be the easiest thing in the world, to go home. Like none of this isn’t going to haunt them when they are done here.

“Right.”

Oikawa meets his eye from across the grounds, giving him a small smile to let Iwaizumi know he’s okay. He’s okay and one day he’ll be able to come back to Germany and see him.

It’s all the confirmation he needs that maybe there is hope when a war ends after all.

\--

It’s been six months since the war has ended and Germany is still recovering from the aftermath of it. It’s starting to get better but they still have a long way to go. It’s been six months and Iwaizumi has heard nothing from Oikawa, but he still waits at their favorite spot just in case.

“You know, I always think about the first time you kissed me here.”

Oikawa sits down next to him, close enough to brush his shoulder against his. He doesn’t dare look at him in fear that this is all a dream.

“How nervous you were that I’d be so angry, when really I had been waiting for you to kiss me for a couple years.”

This time Iwaizumi does look at Oikawa, his brows rising in question.

“Really?”

Oikawa laughs. “Oh yeah, I was trying to find a good way to tell you but I figured you just didn’t want to so I gave up. Turns out I shouldn’t have.”

“Turns out that I didn’t need to wait as long as I did. I was just scared.”

“About what?”

Iwaizumi shrugs, turning back to look at the lake in front of him.

“About being rejected, I guess. I didn’t want you to leave me since you were the only friend I had at the time so it was just a shock when you kissed me back.”

“Do you…do you still want to kiss me? Has anything changed?”

Iwaizumi smiles at the anxiousness those words are coated in. Oikawa likes to say that he had been the most anxious one that night, but his friend had been just as anxious.

“There’s one thing that has changed.”

Oikawa looks alarmed, his eyes widening and frantic as he tries to think about Iwaizumi’s next words.

“I don’t have a crush on you anymore, Oi. That’s why I was so upset when you left because I felt like you didn’t love me back, and I wanted to write that in the letters but I couldn’t bring myself to do that. I thought that it wou—”

“You are such an idiot, Iwa.”

He doesn’t have time to react when Oikawa grabs the front of his shirt, kissing him roughly. This is what he’s been waiting for, what he has _dreamt_ of for so long. He cards his fingers through Oikawa’s hair, pushing back against his boyfriend’s lips.

That fire that had just been rekindled during the war comes back in full force, searing through his veins. He remembers how their first kiss felt, but this is different. That fire had died long ago; this fire is newer, brighter, and hotter.

“I love you too, Iwaizumi,” he says between kisses. “God, I love you so much.”

“How about we promise each other to never leave or ignore each other ever again? That doesn’t seem to do well for us.”

Oikawa laughs against his lips, slipping his hands around to the back of his neck.

“How about I just move in with you? I know I live on a completely different side of the world, but I managed to come now and I can do it again.”

“But what about-”

“The public? Iwaizumi, who cares what the public thinks? They think everything is horrible. I say fuck it and move on with our lives.”

Iwaizumi leans in for another kiss, taking his time relearning everything about Oikawa’s mouth.

“You’d really do that for me?”

“There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you, Iwa. I would rather be seen as a traitor than live another moment without you.”

He rests his forehead against Iwaizumi’s, kissing the tip of his nose.

“Then let’s do it. Let’s move in together. And I’m sorry, Oikawa. This could have been avoided if I would have just written back.”

“But the war would have still happened and out of all the heartache and tears, it brought me to you. Yes, I would have loved to hear back from you but it still worked out in the end. Now shush and kiss me again.”

He kisses Oikawa over and over and over. He knows that there’s a lot of things that they have talk about, and their future is so unknown, but there is one thing that Iwaizumi does know.

He definitely likes this ending better.


End file.
